On the Edge of the Shadow
I often think about how uncomfortable I am all the time. I begin to wish I had some kind of community or clique to fit into, some place to belong where I’d no longer feel so uncomfortable. Then I realize that, not only will this never happen, but I don’t want it to happen. It would change me in such a fundamental way that I would no longer recognize myself if it happened. You see, there are a lot of people in the world who want to be an outsider, or that who market themselves as outsiders, but they’re not. If you’re truly an outsider, it’s a lonely and uncomfortable place to be, and if there’s anything the average human doesn’t want to be it’s lonely and uncomfortable.
The downside of being an outsider is pretty obvious. As I stated above, I’m lonely and uncomfortable all the time. I have family and friends, but outside my immediate circle, I’m probably more intimate with Bob Dylan, Stanley Kubrick and Flannery O’Connor than my neighbors because I spend more time with them. People ask, “why do you write about that?” or “why are you dressed in all black?”. I wouldn’t mind it so much if it wasn’t so hypocritical a lot of the time. When the guy who is asking me why I’m so dark or wear all black is someone I know to be a big Metallica fan, it makes it hard to know how to respond without ripping him a new one. Maybe I’m dark because as an outsider, I’m not as emotionally entangled in the world as most and I can see it for what it truly is, a place with a lot of darkness. And because I’m a person who loves people, that makes me sad and I want to tell stories that shed light on those people in the darkness.
There are advantages to being an outsider, not least of which is being able to look at the thing I’m outside of clearly. We recently watched Being Eddie on Netflix and one of the comments that grabbed me summed this up well. While Eddie Murphy was speaking directly about comics, I think this applies to all artists. He said, paraphrasing, “when I see a new car, I see the scratch that nobody else sees immediately”. He gave a few other examples as well, but the point I took was that people often see what they want to see and most people are caught up in the spectacle and are willing to overlook the scratches, while some of us immediately see the imperfections. I’ve often heard, “can’t you just enjoy this?”. No. No, I can’t. I’m obsessed with the truth. I’m obsessed with context. I’m obsessed with “why?” I don’t watch and read true crime content because of the drama or suspense, I do it for the insight into human motivation and behavior. Sometimes this can be a harsh and cold approach, but looking beneath the surface can also make you much more compassionate and understanding. I think it’s knowing two things can be true at the same time. My step-dad was just on a jury for a child molestation case. The man himself had been molested. I wanted the guy in prison until he was too old for Viagra to be effective, but I was also sad for him as a victim himself. I can feel both of those things at the same time. A person is capable of that, we don’t need to choose, even if society is seemingly breaking into two camps representing both sides in the most extreme ways.
You see, when you’re on the edge of the shadow, you’re aware of both the light and the dark. There are some content to pretend to live in just one side or the other, but none of us live in just one or the other. Some of us are in the dark, but the light gets into everything. All it needs is the smallest of cracks. And there are some who would prefer to pretend that the dark doesn’t exist. They are Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop when he is talking to Paul Reiser’s character, “La la la la la la I am not listening to Jeffrey, but he is still talking.” Ignoring the darkness makes you ill prepared to deal with it when it inevitably comes for you. “Let’s not talk about drugs” is a good way to widen the path for your kid to be a drug addict. The darkness needs to be tackled head on and needs to be dealt with openly and honestly. This isn’t glorifying it, this is accepting reality. And accepting reality is the first step towards letting the light take over. Until you know you’re in the shadow, you can’t step into the light.
Whoever you are, embrace it. If you’re an insider, don’t play at being a rebel, just be a good insider. If you’re an outsider, don’t fret. Every gift is a blessing and a curse. Accept the blessing, use the gift in the best possible way and persevere through the tough stuff. You’ve been given the tools to. So, I rest easy in the old Groucho Marx quote, “I’d never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member.”