Finding a Way to Get Comfortable in Your Own Skin

I’m an outsider.

I don’t say that to sound cool, because I’m not.  I’m terminally uncool.  I say that because there has never been a time where I felt like I belonged.  As a pre-teen I’d see shows like Saved by the Bell or Beverly Hills 90210 and be so envious of those kids and their cliques because I never had that.  Now, to my credit, I had friends in every clique and I could float between them with ease, but none of them were mine.  I knew I didn’t belong just because I was liked.

I’ve never had a static sense of fashion.  I’m comfortable in Wranglers and Justins.  I’m comfortable in black shirts and black leather pants. I’m comfortable in CCM warm-ups.  How I feel at that moment is how I’m going to dress.  How I feel at that moment determines whether I listen to Wade Bowen, the Sex Pistols, Bach or Marilyn Manson.  I’m not conforming on the inside to match the outside, I’m conforming on the outside to match the inside.  My look is an extension of whatever is going on inside.  But, this flexibility is often the cause of my emotional distress. 

I’ve studied the Stoics, Wim Hof and at thirty-eight, became a Christian.  I’ve slept under the stars in the interior of Alaska deep in the fall and I’ve elk hunted in Colorado and slept in a tent when it dropped well below zero at night.  I understand the benefits of being uncomfortable.  I understand, as a Christian, that I will always be an outsider.  We’re in this world, but we’re not of it. 

In spite of all of that, I’m human.  I desperately want to fit in… somewhere.  But, I don’t.

I wouldn’t say that, as I write this, I have this all figured out.  I don’t, but I’m definitely getting closer to a place where I can be at peace with it.  I think there’s two reasons I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin.  One of which has to do with me, and one does not.

The first thing is as simple as this: doing things that make me uncomfortable until I’m comfortable being uncomfortable.  No different than sleeping outside in below zero temperatures.  After you do it a few times, you get used to it, and you can at least tolerate it because it is what’s necessary to be doing the thing you want to do.  I like going places and seeing things you can only see if you walk there.  I’ve seen places most people won’t see because they’re not willing to do what it takes to get there, they’d rather look at my pictures, and that’s okay, I like having those places to myself when I get there. 

I know I don’t have the voice of George Jones.  I used to hate hearing my voice.  The irony is, when I would sing, I would have these thoughts in my head about hating how I sounded.  I couldn’t let go.  I worried so much about how I sounded that I wasn’t putting my heart into my vocal performance.  Well, you record your own album and you edit fifty vocal takes into a song, and you get used to how you sound.  Now, I don’t have to do fifty vocal takes because I’m not thinking about how I sound, I’m thinking about delivering the message.  This allows me to do ten takes, then go back and spot fix anything that might not be working. 

Photography is the same.  I love photography but, I’ve always hated having my photo taken.  Hated seeing myself in pictures.  Well, first off, I am my brand.  I have to have imagery.  Two, I can’t afford to hire a photographer most of the time.  And three, when I feel like working on photography, the only model I can afford and who is always available when I am is me.  So, as self-absorbed as it may sound, I’ve gotten to where I enjoy shooting self-portraits.  Thankfully, with digital photography, it’s a numbers game.  I can shoot 300 pictures and only show people the one I’m comfortable with.  I still feel weird about it, but I feel a lot less weird than I did before. 

The aspect of this that’s not in my control is the part I believe is the Holy Spirit working in my life.  In the last five years I have lost two of my oldest and dearest friends.  Not to death, but to, in my opinion, their lack of acceptance for me not agreeing with their behaviors.  They needed me to agree with them on everything and when I didn’t, I became an enemy.  I’ve had other conflicts and inner turmoil over the last few years that stripped away the majority of the validation that I relied on.  Even my best friend, we’ve had conflict, not in any way relationship severing, we’re committed to each other in love as brothers, but it’s been a reminder that I’m not to seek my validation from others.  I’ve had a lot of things stripped away so that I am reminded that I need to only trust in the Lord.

Now, this leaves me with the action of discernment, which quite frankly, I shouldn’t be trusted with, but it’s all I’ve got.  And I have to push forward knowing that I will make mistakes.  When I do, I need to apologize and pivot.  But I’m no longer going to be looking for advice or validation from others in the direction I’m heading.  It’s not that I don’t care anymore, I still do, just not at a level that I’m going to allow it to influence my art (at the very least). 

I don’t know what this looks like for you.  I’m not endorsing anything here, simply telling you what I’ve done (and what has been done for me).  I will tell you this, it feels fantastic to create something that I love and that I’m proud of.  After that, the opinions will come.  I’ll hand it off to Travis to be mixed and mastered, then it goes to DistroKid, and then to the world.  I can’t control whether it is financially successful.  I can’t control what people like or don’t like, but I can control how I feel about my work no matter what happens with it after it leaves my hands.  If I love it enough to share it, I’m going to choose to keep loving it no matter what.